What is called emotional intelligence in toddlers
For a long time, it was believed that babies didn't really feel. That they cried by reflex, shouted out of habit, and that the real work of emotional education began much later. Developmental neuroscience has put an end to this idea. From the first weeks of life, the emotional brain is active, sensitive, and above all, profoundly shaped by the responses of its surroundings.
Emotional intelligence, in this context, does not refer to the ability to precisely name one's emotions. In a child aged 0 to 3, it covers something much more fundamental: the ability to feel an emotion without being overwhelmed by it, to return to a state of calm after a storm, and to perceive the inner states of others. These skills do not develop on their own. They are built within the relationship.
The infant's emotional brain: what science observes
The limbic system, the seat of emotions, is functional from birth. The amygdala, the structure that processes fear and threats, actively reacts to environmental signals. The prefrontal cortex, which will eventually regulate these reactions, does not mature until the end of the second decade of life.
This asymmetry is central. It means that the toddler feels with complete intensity but has almost no internal resources to self-regulate. They need an available adult who acts as an external regulator. Neurosciences speak of co-regulation: it is the adult's calm, their voice, their gaze, their touch, that allows the child's nervous system to regain its balance.
This biological reality is an invitation not to suppress the child's emotions, but to welcome them without amplifying or minimizing them.
Why naming emotions is a neurological act, not just an educational one
When a parent tells their child 'you're angry because the toy slipped away', they are not just explaining. They are activating a mechanism in the child's brain that neuroscientists Matthew Lieberman and Naomi Eisenberger documented as affect labeling: naming an emotion reduces amygdala activation and strengthens the connection with the prefrontal cortex.
In other words, putting words to what the child feels literally helps them calm down. This is not naive psychology. It is a cerebral mechanism that parents activate every time they name, without judgment, what they observe.
Before the emergence of language, this work is done through the body: intonation, gaze, physical contact. The synchrony between adult and child is already a form of emotional narration.
Three common mistakes that hinder the development of regulation
1. Systematically distracting the child from their emotion
Taking out a toy, changing the subject, or offering a treat as soon as the child cries may seem effective in the short term. But this strategy deprives the child of the experience of going through an emotion and coming out of it. Frustration tolerance is built precisely in these moments, not around them.
2. Invalidating the emotion to accelerate the return to calm
'It's nothing', 'you have no reason to be sad': these phrases, formulated with kindness, send a message contrary to what is intended. The child learns that what they feel is wrong or excessive. Over time, this can lead them to mask their inner states rather than process them.
3. Confusing regulation and repression
The goal is not to raise a child who never cries or shouts. It is to support a child who gradually learns to manage the intensity of what they feel. Emotional regulation is a process that takes years. Expecting it at 18 months is neurobiologically unrealistic.
What Montessori pedagogy brings to the emotional question
Maria Montessori did not theorize emotional intelligence in the contemporary sense of the term, but her principles offer a coherent framework. The central idea is that of a prepared environment that respects the child's rhythm and limits unnecessary sources of frustration, while leaving room for necessary frustration, that which arises from real effort.
A clear, stable, autonomously accessible play space on the floor reduces dependency conflicts. A child who can reach their toys without asking for help, who can move without being stopped at every obstacle, experiences fewer accumulated micro-frustrations. This context promotes a more stable basic mood, which in turn facilitates emotional regulation.
The Treelys play mat responds to this logic: designed for free floor play, it offers a defined, comfortable and stimulating space where the baby explores at their own pace, without overstimulation. A predictable and safe environment is, in itself, a support for emotional development.
Secure attachment as the foundation of emotional regulation
The work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth established that the quality of the attachment bond in the early years significantly predicts long-term emotional regulation capacity. A child whose needs have been consistently met develops what researchers call a 'secure base': they explore the world with confidence because they know that a reliable adult is available.
This inner security is not built only in times of crisis. It is established through the repetition of ordinary interactions: feeding, changing, bathing, bedtime rituals. This is why daily regularity plays an underestimated role in emotional development. On this point, our article on routines and emotional security develops this mechanism in detail.
Emotional development and cognitive development: two sides of the same process
Sometimes emotional education and cognitive stimulation are opposed, as if one had to choose. This opposition is artificial. The brain does not distinguish between the two. A child who feels emotionally secure explores more, focuses their attention longer, and memorizes better. Educational neurosciences show that chronic stress (prolonged elevation of cortisol) hinders synaptic plasticity in the hippocampus, a key structure for learning.
Investing in a child's emotional well-being from 0 to 3 years old is therefore also investing in their future learning abilities. The two are not mutually exclusive. They feed each other.
To learn more about how free play contributes to this global development, you can read our article on play mats and the neurosciences of floor play.
What parents can do concretely starting today
No complex intervention is necessary. What matters is availability and consistency in small moments. Here are some practical guidelines, based on current data:
- Name without commenting: 'You're frustrated' rather than 'you shouldn't be frustrated about that'.
- Stay physically close during crises without trying to stop them immediately. Calm presence is already an intervention.
- Validate before correcting: acknowledge what the child feels before explaining what is acceptable or not.
- Take care of your own regulation: research on the intergenerational transmission of attachment shows that parents' emotional strategies are directly transmitted to children.
- Establish predictable routines: regularity reduces baseline anxiety and creates the conditions for better emotional regulation in daily life.
A slow and lasting perspective
Supporting a child's emotional intelligence is not a program to be applied. It is an orientation, a gaze, a way of being present. In a culture that values early performance and measurable results, remembering that emotions have their own temporality is an act of gentle resistance.
Children who grow up in emotionally secure environments do not become fragile adults. They become adults capable of naming what they feel, processing it, and staying connected with others even in adversity. This is perhaps one of the most solid things that can be built in the first three years of a life.
